


Case of the Missing Nation

by pupeez4eva



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: America being America, Detectives, Drunk!England, Gen, Humor, Misunderstandings, Mystery, world meeting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-24
Updated: 2015-09-24
Packaged: 2018-04-23 04:46:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4863662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupeez4eva/pseuds/pupeez4eva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all started the day Germany went 'missing.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Case of the Missing Nation

It all started the day Germany went 'missing.'

Well to be more specific, it all happened when Japan dreamily murmured, "I'd like to be a detective."

America glanced up at him. "Awesome, dude."

Japan frowned slightly, shaking his head. "I don't know why I said that," he muttered.

"Er..." America raised one eyebrow. "Because you want to be a detective?"

"Yes but..." Japan frowned. "...I don't usually speak my mind aloud..."

America shrugged. "Dude, it's cool."

Japan sighed slightly and settled back in his chair. "I would like to be a detective though." He smiled. "They have the nicest clothes."

"Sure, whatever floats your boat," America responded, shrugging. "I mean, I'm more of a cape and mask tpe of person myself but...if you're into that type of stuff."

"I am."

America shrugged again. "Cool."

There was a moment of silence.

"Yes..." Japan's shoulders slumped slightly. "To bad it will never happen..."

"What will never happen?!" Both nations jumped slightly at the sound of England's voice. "What's going on?! _WHAT DID YOU DO?!"_

Japan and America stared at the other nation with wide eyes.

"Iggy...dude." America held up his hands in a defensive motion. "Calm down."

"I know you're up to something!" England ranted, his eyes wide and crazed. "When I find out what you're up to you'll be sorry and -"

France suddenly appeared behind England and slapped a hand over the nation's mouth. England let out a series of muffled protests.

"He's been watching a few too many episodes of Sherlock Holmes," France explained, apologetically. "That and, I spiked his tea with just a touch of our strongest wine - the mix of the two makes him very suspicious."

"GET OFF ME YOU FROG!"England howled, managing to escape from France's hold. "I _KNOW_ YOU'RE TRYING TO PLANT MICROCHIPS ON ME, I JUST KNOW IT!"

"Uh...dude," America coughed. _"Why_ did you spike his tea?"

France considered this for a moment. "...Because I thought it would be funny?"

He dragged England off in the opposite direction.

"Where are you taking me?!" England snarled. "Are you... _ARE YOU GOING TO CUT ME OPEN AND STUDY MY INSIDES?!"_

There was a moment of silence.

"Well...that was strange," Japan murmured.

"Eh, not really." America shrugged. "I mean, have you _seen_ the way Iggy gets when he's drunk? I mean there was this one time - oh god, it was _creepy."_

"What happened?" Japan looked curious.

America swallowed. "Iggy - he - he - he...he said he didn't like _tea."_

There was a brief pause.

"That's...it?"

"Dude!" America gaped at him. "Do you not _know_ how obsessed Iggy is with his tea?! You should have seen how he was after that little incident with the Boston Harbor - I mean, seriously, he was all, _"you think my tea is gone, my tea is never gone, it's always there, even when you close your eyes -"_ He coughed. "...Yeah..."

"Yes I agree, that is strange," Japan agreed.

For a moment the two nations drifted into silence.

"Dude - are you bored?" America questioned.

"Yes I am." Japan frowned. "I wonder why this meeting hasn't started yet?"

"Dunno - but I don't _want_ it to start!" America's eyes narrowed. "I'm not speaking today and we all know that the meetings are only awesome when I start speaking."

"The room is very chaotic today," Japan murmured, ignoring his friend's rant.

He looked around; things are happening all over the room. Austria was arguing with Prussia, Hungary was attempting to hit Prussia on the head with her frying pan, England was raving on about how he would _"find out who the culprit was and stop the apocalypse!",_ France was spiking more of England's tea with his wine, and there was one empty chair where the he could hear a soft a soft cry of, _"I'm Canada..."_

"Germany-san usually stops all this chaos," Japan said, his eyes widening in realization as he figured out the problem. "I wonder where he is?"

"Dude seriously," America said, frowning. "Do you _want_ this meeting to start?"

"I'm just saying, Germany-san is never late to a meeting, and he has never missed a meeting before..." Japan shook his head. "Where is he?"

"I dunno." America thought for a moment. "...Maybe France spiked his tea too?"

Japan shook his head. "Germany-san doesn't drink tea."

"...Maybe France spiked his beer?"

There was a moment of silence. It was broken my a loud noise, as America sat up abruptly and slammed his hands down on the table.

"You know what?!" He exclaimed. "You're right! Germany's missing!"

Japan frowned. "Well, I didn't say -"

Ignoring him, America continued to speak. "This is a total crisis and you know what this calls for?" He beamed. "The hero and his sidekick!"

He sat back down.

"Sides, it beats this place."

"Er - America-san," Japan coughed. "I never said Germany-san was missing. I simply said that he wasn't...present at this moment."

"Right then, he's missing!" America smiled, widely.

"But -"

"Dude seriously, do you _want_ to hang out here all day?" America asked, cutting him off. "Let's get out of here and _DO_ some stuff - I thought you wanted to be a detective?"

"I said I would _like_ to be a detective," Japan interjected.

"Yeah but -"

The door of the conference room suddenly burst open and Italy hurried inside, looking pale and jittery. Japan glanced briefly at him, and then back at America.

"See Germany-san is here," he said, smiling slightly. "Everything is fine."

"Oh yeah?" America raised one eyebrow. "Because I only see Italy - I don't see Germany anywhere." With a brief glance at Italy, he added, "and let me tell you, Italy is looking _suspicious_ right now."

Japan shook his had. "I'm sure Italy-san isn't -"

His voice trailed off as he stared at Italy, who was standing still, looking around the room with wide, terrified eyes.

"HEY ITALY!" America howled. "WHERE'S GERMANY?!"

Italy let out a squeak of fear and dashed to the nearest seat. He curled into a bawl, his entire form trembling.

America turned back to Japan. "See?"

Japan cocked his head to the side, thinking for a moment. "Hmmm..." He let out a small sigh. "America-san, if I agree to this, _I_ am the hero and _you_ are the sidekick?"

"WHAT?!" America's eyes widened in indignation. "Dude, _no way!_ I'm always the hero! That's like, something you can't change, _EVER!"_

Japan shrugged. "Well then, no."

"Dude! You'd abandon Germany like that?"

Japan shrugged again. "I'm sure Germany-san is fine."

Italy's choked sob interrupted their conversation. Their eyes dragged to where the other nation was sitting, watching as he struggled to hold back what were obviously tears.

America turned back to Japan and raised one eyebrow,

"...I'm sure someone else will find him." Japan averted his eyes.

"Dude!" America narrowed his eyes. "Come on! Look, how about this? _I'll_ be the hero and _you..._ can be the detective."

Japan considered this. "...Can I have a dark coat and a hat?"

"Only if I can have a mask and a cape."

Japan gave a curt nod. "Deal."

America's face broke out into a grin. "Awesome dude!" He exclaimed, leaping to his feet. "Let me just go and get changed into my heroic costume and I'll be back!"

He dashed out of the room.

"Of course." Japan stood up and reached into his bag, pulling out a hat and a dark coat. He slipped them on, smiling in pleasure. A few nearby nations shot him odd looks.

"Dude," America said, stepping back into the room a moment later. "You keep your hat and coat with you?"

"It made my dreams feel more real," Japan responded, without a beat. He raised an eyebrow at his friend. "You keep your costume with you?" His eyes dragged over America's 'Captain America' suit.

"Well _yeah_ obviously!" America responded, his voice completely serious. "What if the world was attacked and needed a hero - in other words _me -_ but my suit was at home?!"

Japan continued to stare at him for a moment. "...That is not an original suit."

America flushed. "Well yeah...everyone's gotta start somewhere, right?"

Japan raised one eyebrow but didn't comment.

...

"So, how shall we start?"

A cough from behind made them both turn around.

"Yes France-san?" Japan asked, after seeing who was standing behind them.

"Where did you get those _grotesque_ outfits from?" France asked, his nose crinkling in disgust as he examined them.

"Dude!" America cried, indignantly. "My outfit is awesome and heroic!"

Japan shrugged. "I need mine to...how do the westerners say it? _'Get in the zone.'_ "

France coughed. "Yes well...I think you'd look _much_ better without those horrible pieces of clothing."

"If I wasn't wearing this I'd have no clothing...except for my boxers." America frowned at the thought.

France smirked. "That is the idea."

"Papa!" Canada cried from beside him. "Please don't say those things!"

France frowned. "Did you hear something?"

"Nah - and we don't do the ghost hunting France." America shuddered slightly. "Although I did hear that Poland and Lithuania were doing something like that."

He pointed across the room at said nations, who were dressed up in matching ghost busters shirts. Lithuania looked like he wanted to sink through the floor.

"Thank you," France responded, smiling slightly. "I might just do that."

"I'm not a ghost!" Canada protested, but of course, no one heard him.

 _"THE GHOSTS ARE ALL A CONSPIRACY!"_ England yelled, leaping forward and hurling Canada's chair to the floor. _"BUT HAVE NO FEAR FOR I SHALL DISCOVER WHO PUT THEM HERE!"_

"Ow..." Canada whispered.

"I am never spiking his drinks ever again," France sighed, reaching out to restrain England. The other nation cried in protest and struggled to get away.

Ignoring them, Japan and America walked away and made their way over to were Italy was sitting.

"Right, so, what's the plan?" America questioned.

"I will do the questioning," Japan answered, promptly. "After all, I _am_ the detective."

"Uh...dude, okay, fine. But what'll I do?" America glanced at Japan, questioningly.

"I don't know," Japan responded. "What would a hero do in a situation like this?"

"Um..." America's eyes lit up. "Scour the area looking for any threats, to protect the unsuspecting civilians!"

"You do that then."

America beamed. "Dude, awesome!"

They continued the short journey to where Italy was sitting. Said nation was currently curled up in his chair, gazing nervously around the room.

"Hello Italy-san."

Italy jumped in alarm and emitted a small whimper.

"Japan," he stuttered, struggling to hide his shock. "Ve...nice. Um...it is very nice to see you!"

"You are looking quite..." Japan cocked his head to the side, searching for the right words. "...Jumpy," he said, at last.

"Ve, of course not!" Italy laughed. "Why would I be jumpy? Of course I'm not jumpy, why would you say something like that?!" He laughed again; to Japan's ears it sounded like the other nation was on the edge of hysteria.

"Italy-san -"

"Stop asking me about Germany!"

There was a moment of silence.

 _"HE'S GUILTY!"_ America screamed, hurling himself in forward.

"Shh, America-san," Japan murmured. "I will handle this!" He turned back to Italy. "Why would you have anything to do with Germany-san?"

"We're friends," Italy stuttered, "but I don't know anything!"

"You don't know anything about what?" America questioned, eagerly.

"America-san!" Japan reprimanded.

"What?!" America cried. "Dude, there's nothing to protect these guys from! I mean, other than Switzerland on the roof with a sniper, but that's just -"

_"WHAT?!"_

Italy let out a loud wail and leapt up, dashing out of the room as fast as he could.

"Dude, he's getting away!" America cried, chasing after him.

_"WHY IS SWITZERLAND-SAN POINTING A SNIPER AT US?!"_

...

"Dammit, I lost him!" America cursed, staring down the empty corridor with narrowed eyes. Japan came to a panting stop beside him, his fists clenched as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Why is Switzerland-san pointing a sniper at us?" he asked, between heavy breaths.

"How should I know?" America responded, shrugging his shoulders. "I just spotted him on the roof...but dude, this is _so_ uncool! How the hell did _Italy_ manage to outrun me?!"

"Italy-san is very good at running." Japan frowned. "Do you think we should ask Switzerland-san what he is doing?"

"Go up and talk to the dude with the sniper and _really good_ shooting experience, who could easily kill us?" America grinned widely. _"HELL YEAH!"_

"Well we'll do that and then we'll talk to Italy-san," Japan said, nodding his head to himself.

The door behind them suddenly burst open and Romano stormed into the corridor. The expression on his face could only be described as _livid._

"What the hell did you bastards do?!" he spat, furiously. "My brother's running away!"

"Where?!" America demanded, eagerly.

"How the hell should I know?" Romano snapped. "I just saw him out the window - speaking of which, what's Switzerland doing with that sniper?"

Japan shrugged. "We have no idea."

"Right..." Romano's eyes narrowed suddenly. "What the _hell_ are you idiots wearing?" he demanded.

America beamed. "I'm the hero and Japan's the detective!"

"...Oh Jesus." Romano turned around abruptly and walked back in the direction of the conference room.

When he was gone, America turned back to Japan. "So," he said, "are we going to go and ask Switzerland?"

"Yes." Japan nodded his head.

Neither nation made any move to leave.

"...Dude," America said, at last. "Is it just me or is this not as fun as I thought it would be?"

"I'm sure it's just you, America-san," Japan responded. He turned around. "Now, shall we -"

The door behind them opened and Romano once again stepped into the corridor.

"My idiot brother is coming back," he told them.

He stepped back inside and slammed the door behind him.

A grin spread across America's face. _"LET'S GET ITALY!"_ he cried, ignoring Japan as he flinched back at the volume emitted from the other nation's mouth.

Italy's hysterical scream could be heard, as well as the sound of hurried footsteps. America immediately dashed forward, an eager look spread across his face.

"...Um..." Japan stood in the corridor for a moment, uncertain of what to do. At last, he turned around and headed back into the conference room.

"What the hell is going on there?" Austria demanded, once Japan had stepped back into the room. He sounded annoyed.

Japan shrugged. "Nothing."

France frowned, glancing out the window. "Why is Amerique chasing Italy in the middle of the street?"

"...America-san is being the hero?" It sounded like more of a question than a proper answer.

"Oh dear lord," Austria muttered.

Romano walked forward and dumped himself into the empty chair near France (no one heard a soft cry of "hey, I'm sitting here!"). "Seriously, what the fuck though," he said. "What did my idiot brother do now?"

"It's...complicated," Japan said, hesitantly.

"Oh come on, asshole," Romano scoffed. "He's my brother. I've had to put up with him all my life - I should at least get a proper explanation when he decides to act like a freak."

"It's...complicated."

_"BASTARD!"_

Japan jumped in alarm.

England (who had been sitting in the chair beside France, looking completely subdued) leapt up at the sound of the exclamation.

 _"CONSPIRACY!"_ he howled. _"CONSPIRACY! AMERICA AND ITALY ARE CONSPIRING AGAINST US! JAPAN TOO!"_

"Now, now," France coughed. "I'm sure that's not what's happening. They are only -" He peered out the window. "...Rolling around on the floor. Alright - they are either fighting or performing a sexual act."

"What the fuck does that bastard think he's doing to my brother?!" Romano snarled. "My brother may be an idiot, but that doesn't mean that piece of shit can take advantage of him!"

"Oh, it isn't that at all," Japan protested.

Romano whirled around to glare at him. "Then what the fuck is it?!"

"...Italy killed Germany."

_"WHAT?!"_

"I knew it!" England cried, bashing his fists on the table. "Germany was just the start - soon we'll all be taken _DOWN! WELL NOT ME - I'M PREPARED FOR WHEN THEY COME!"_

"Wait, wait, _wait!"_ Romano cried, his eyes growing wide. "Did you just say that _my_ idiot brother killed that Potato Bastard?!" He smiled widely. "I knew he was good for something!"

"Or...perhaps that was going a little too far," Japan said, backpedalling. "Germany isn't _dead -"_

Romano's smile faded. "What the hell, bastard?!" he cried, indignantly. "You can't just say something like that and then take it back!"

France blinked. "Germany is...dead?"

"No," Japan responded.

"Fuck!" Romano cursed.

"...Perhaps."

Romano's eyes widened. "So there's still hope?!" he demanded.

The conference room door was suddenly flung open, interrupting whatever Japan had been prepared to say. America entered, dragging a wailing Italy behind him.

 _"WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT MY IDIOT BROTHER DID?!"_ Romano howled.

"I don't know anything about Germany!" Italy wailed.

"Ha!" England laughed, coldly. "Tell us the truth Italy - tell us about how you -"

France slammed a hand over his mouth.

"France seriously," America said, glaring at him. "If you _ever_ spike his drink again -"

"It will never happen again," France responded, shuddering slightly.

"I didn't do anything!" Italy wailed, struggling to break free.

"Italy-san," Japan said, walking forward and stopping in front of the other nation. "Tell us about Germany-san."

Romano nodded his head, looking eager. "Yeah, _tell us_ about Germany!"

"Yes, tell us about Germany." France licked his lips.

Romano whirled on him. "You perverted bastard!"

 _"There's nothing to tell!"_ Italy wailed, his eyes screwing up in distress. "Nothing happened! _He never said anything -"_ Italy's voice cut off abruptly and his eyes widened in horror.

"Oh I am good at getting information out of people," Japan murmured, gleefully. In a louder voice, he said, "Italy-san - what did Germany-san tell you?"

"Nothing!"

"Oh for godsake..." Romano stormed forward. "Fratello," he spat, "just tell them - this is getting annoying." He paused, looking slightly hopeful. "Are you...are you _sure_ there's no chance he's dead?"

Italy let out a small gasp. "Germany isn't dead! He - no." He shook his head. "I can't _tell_ you, he'd hate me forever!"

"Dude seriously, tell us!" America cried.

"This is just ridiculous," Austria muttered.

France raised one eyebrow at him. "Then why are you still here?"

He scowled in response.

"Italy-san, did Germany-san say anything to you?" Japan asked, softly. "Please, even the smallest thing could be important and helpful to our case."

"That would have been an awesome CSI-moment if you weren't grinning so much," America told him.

"I can't help it," Japan responded. "All my dreams are coming true."

_"Germany told me he's becoming a go-go dancer!"_

Everyone turned to stare at Italy, who had his hands clamped over his mouth, his eyes as wide as saucers.

"...Say what?" America muttered.

"What?!" Japan cried, his voice disbelieving.

"Oh god," Austria said, shaking his head.

 _"I KNEW IT!"_ England howled.

"...Dammit he's not dead?!"

France let out a small cough. "Oh dear..." he muttered.

Italy let out a loud wail, looking on the brink of tears. "Oh, I wasn't supposed to tell you!" he moaned. "Germany said not to tell anyone - he said he wouldn't love me anymore if I told anyone!"

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear..."

"Dude, that's just -" America shook his head, shuddering slightly. "Oh _god,_ I didn't need that image!"

Italy let out a loud, choking sob. "Don't tell anyone," he moaned. "I don't want Germany to hate me, he's my best friend!"

"Um - Italy -"

"I am so confused," Japan muttered, feeling a headache coming on.

"Why, why, why?!" Italy's face was screwed up in distress. "Germany's the only one who actually likes me!"

"Aw, that's not true!" America said, a supportive look replacing the previously mortified one on his face. "Tons of people like you! I like you - your brother likes you -"

"I don't like you bastard," Romano cut in.

Italy cried harder.

_"ITALY!"_

Everyone turned to stare at France. The nation glared at Italy, panting hard.

"Germany," he said, slowly and firmly, "is _not_ becoming a go-go dancer." He uncurled his fists and shook his head. "I mean honestly, do you _really_ think that _Germany_ would become a _go-go dancer?!"_

Italy blinked in confusion. "But - but he said -"

"He was drunk when he said that!" France paused, looking slightly sheepish. "I...I spiked his drink."

There was an awkward pause.

"Oh you have _got_ to be kidding me," America muttered.

"I thought it would be fun!" France cried, defensively.

"Dude! When are you going to realize that drugging people leads to nothing but trouble?!"

"Not _drugging!"_ France protested.

England blinked, owlishly. "Drugs?"

"I used some of France's sweetest alcohol," France continued, stiffly. "He should be _thanking_ me!"

"So...Germany is not a go-go dancer?" Italy sniffed and stared at France with hopeful eyes.

"Thank _fucking_ God," Romano muttered.

"No..." France shook his head. "At least I don't _think_ so...unless of course that drink brought out some hidden desires."

Italy moved forward, the hopeful expression still plastered across his face. "And...he won't hate me?"

"...Well I'm not too sure about that."

"So...our biggest lead is now gone," Japan sighed, despondently.

Romano snorted. "You're biggest lead was my idiot brother? _God,_ you really suck at this."

"Wait!" Japan's eyes widened suddenly and he leaned forward, looking excited. "Germany-san is missing...we must find the last person who saw him!"

Austria frowned, thoughtfully. "Well...I saw him yesterday..."

Everyone whirled around to face him. Seeing the suspicious looks on their faces, he quickly backpedalled.

"But I'm sure a lot of people saw him after I did!"

America snorted. "A likely story."

"It's true!" Austria protested.

"This is so fucked up," Romano muttered. "Is he potato bastard dead or is he not?!"

"He is missing," Japan responded.

"Well then, why the _fuck_ are we trying to find him?!"

"I have nothing to do with this!" Austria cried, indignantly.

"You said you were the last person to see him," Japan pointed out.

"I said I _saw_ him, not that I was the last person _to_ see him!" Austria let out a frustrated cry. "I'm sure a lot of people saw him after that!"

"Oh yeah, like who?" America challenged.

"Like me."

He let out a yelp of surprise and whirled around; the other nations followed his example. Switzerland stood behind them, his eyes narrowed at them.

"When the fuck did you get here?!" Romano asked in alarm.

"I was on the rooftop." Switzerland's lips curled into a small smile. "I think I prefer my usual weapons to that sniper."

"What sniper?" Austria asked, sounding bewildered.

Japan coughed. "Uh - Switzerland-san... _why_ were you pointing a sniper at us?"

"I wasn't pointing my sniper at _you,"_ Switzerland responded, rolling his eyes. "I was pointing it at any idiot who dared to go near my sister."

There was an awkward pause.

"...Why?"

"Wait!" America leaned forward, eagerly. "This is where you confess that you killed Germany, right?!"

Switzerland shot him an odd stare. "No...I didn't kill Germany. I didn't even _talk_ to him. I just saw him walking on the street earlier today -"

 _"HA!"_ Austria looked triumphant. "So there - I _didn't_ do anything!"

"Aw, we didn't really think you'd killed anyone, Austria!" America laughed, giving him a good-natured slap on the back. "You're way too wimpy for that!"

Austria spluttered in indignation.

"So...the light at the end of this dark tunnel that is my life is back?"

"Dude, what?" America glanced oddly at Romano.

Romano modified his statement. "There's still a chance that Germany is dead?"

"Dude, what _is_ your obsession with Germany being dead?" America shook his head in disbelief. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say that _you_ killed him!"

"As much as I'd love to take credit for that, I can't." Romano actually looked disappointed.

"...Eh, good enough for me," America responded, shrugging his shoulders.

Japan glanced curiously at Switzerland. "If you don't mind me asking Switzerland-san," he said, "what were you doing with that sniper?"

"Yes, do tell," France piped up.

"Conspiracy..."

"Shut up, Angleterre."

"Well, it's a long story actually," Switzerland responded. "You see...the other day, my sister Liechtenstein came to me with horrifying news."

America stood up straighter. "A confession to the murder or kidnapping of Germany?"

"No."

America's shoulder's slumped. "Dammit."

"Anyway yes - horrifying news. It was on this day that I found out..." Switzerland took a deep breath, as if bracing himself for the worst.

"She had breasts."

For a long moment no one responded.

"Switzerland..." France let out an awkward cough. "...I don't know how to tell you this but...Liechtenstein is a _woman._ Women have _breasts."_

"I am aware of my sisters gender," Switzerland snapped. "That's why she is my _sister_ and not my _brother._ However...I was not aware of how...well-adorned she was."

"Dude!" America spluttered, looking horrified. "She's your sister!"

"Yes - you're point?" Switzerland shot him a blank stare.

No one seemed to know how to respond to this; Switzerland continued his tale a moment later.

"Anyway, I realized how dangerous this could be - what you disgusting men with your disgusting minds could do about this." He glared viciously at France and Austria.

"Excuse me!" Austria cried, indignantly. "Why are you looking at _me?!"_

Switzerland snorted. "Anyone capable of wooing Hungary is dangerous in my books."

"It was for political reasons!" Austria cried. _"Political reasons!"_

"Anyway," Switzerland continued, ignoring Austria's furious protests. "I decided to purchase a sniper and keep watch over her. That is what I was doing on the roof."

"And...what were you planning to _do_ with the sniper?" Japan asked, sounding apprehensive.

"Shoot anyone who dared to talk to her."

"...Oh."

"But...you didn't shoot Germany, did you?!" Italy asked, sounding terrified at the thought.

"I told you, no," Switzerland responded. "Last I saw him, he was walking in that direction." He jabbed his finger to the left. "Now...bye."

He walked off, not waiting for any responses.

"Now what?" America asked, once he had left.

"We must find the person who did this!" Japan responded, his voice firm. America nodded his head in agreement.

"Yeah, totally!"

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Finland made his way over to the group. "You've been yelling all day."

"Oh, hello Finland-san," Japan greeted him. "I didn't realize we were being so loud."

"What's going on?" Finland looked curious.

"The Potato Bastard's either gone missing or dead," Romano responded. "Personally, I'm hoping for the latter."

Finland looked confused. "Germany's missing?" he repeated. "What makes you say that?"

"He's not here," America replied.

Finland blinked. "That's...it."

"We have a missing person case," Japan said, trying to hide his smile as he said the words. "We're trying to find the last person who saw him."

"Might have been me," Finland said, looking thoughtful.

Everyone stared at him.

"Wait...what?" America asked, slowly.

"...I was the last person who saw him?"

And then the room was plunged into darkness.

...

America screamed and threw himself at Japan, who let out a cry of surprise and tumbled to the floor.

"Angleterre!" France yelled, furiously. A moment later the light was back. Everyone turned to stare at England, who was being dragged away from the light switch.

"Um..." Japan coughed. "America-san, could you please get off me?"

"Sorry dude," America apologized, as he peeled himself off his friend. "That was just some freaky shit. I mean, the lights go off just as Finland admits to killing Germany -"

"What?!" Finland looked alarmed. "I didn't admit to killing anybody!"

"Dammit, stop crushing my spirit!" Romano howled.

"I said I _might_ have been the last person to see him, and -" Finland frowned slightly. "Oh, what am I saying, that makes me sound guilty of something." He shook his head. "But anyway, I might know where he is -"

"It's always the ones we least expect," America muttered, shaking his head.

"You see, I bumped into him on the street - I accidentally split my milkshake on him -"

France leaned forward. "Tell me - is milkshake code for... _blood?"_

Finland blinked in confusion. "...No..."

"Dude what the hell does that even _mean?!"_ America demanded, giving France a bewildered stare.

"You split your milkshake on him?" Japan questioned, frowning slightly. What could that possibly mean? Perhaps he had to read between the lines... "What else did you do, Finland-san?" he urged.

"I don't - I mean, huh?" Finland shook his head in confusion. " I didn't do anything else! I said I was sorry and he cursed for a bit, and then he said he was going to get cleaned up. That's probably why he's late."

"A likely story," America snorted.

Japan nodded. "I agree, I agree."

Finland stared. "But...it makes perfect sense!"

Japan nodded his head, solemnly. "In your mind, it would."

"It makes sense to me..." Italy murmured.

"Shut up Italy!" America snapped, causing the other nation to jump in alarm. "You still aren't cleared of suspicion yet."

"But...huh?" Italy blinked, uncomprehendingly.

"Look," Finland sighed. "All I'm trying to say is that Germany probably went to get cleaned up. I mean, it's not like he'd come here covered in chocolate milk."

"...Is chocolate milk code for something?" America muttered.

Finland closed his eyes and inhaled sharply.

"Hmm..." Japan murmured. "Chocolate milk is brown...brown..." He frowned. "What is significant about the colour brown..."

"You guys are such idiots," Romano snorted. "I mean...it's obvious isn't it?" He leaned forward, eagerly. "Brown...dirt is brown! Finland's trying to tell us that he buried the Potato Bastard!"

"...I think I need some of that alcohol," France muttered. He stood up and walked off, dragging England behind him.

"My god!" Japan exclaimed, his eyes widening in shock. "Germany-san...is dead after all?!"

"Huh?!" Finland shook his head rapidly, his expression filled with disbelief. "No! Where are you even getting this from?!"

"Dude!" America cried. "That's totally not cool! You can't just kill Germany!"

"But I didn't -"

"Maybe 'milk' is code for something too," Romano mused. "Like...like..."

" - Water!" America snapped his fingers. "He dumped Germany's body in a lake!"

Italy began to sob hysterically. "Oh Germany!" he wailed. "You didn't deserve to be buried and then dumped in a lake!"

"But which one is it?" Japan muttered, his brow furrowing in thought. "Is his body in the lake or under the ground?"

"There has to be more too it!" America declared.

_"DAMMIT! I DIDN'T KILL GERMANY!"_

Literally _every_ nation in the room turned to stare at Finland.

"You killed my bruder?!" Prussia howled, furiously.

"No!" Finland howled.

In the commotion, no one noticed the conference room door opening, until -

_"What the hell is going on in here?!"_

The room was plunged into darkness.

_"ANGLETERRE!"_

The lights came on a moment later; no one moved, staring open mouth at the person standing near the doorway. Japan was too shocked to even shove America off him.

"G-g-germany," America stuttered, staring at the irate nation. "H-h-how? Y-you... _your at the bottom of a lake and/or six feet of Earth!"_

"What?!"

"Oh for godsake!" Finland growled. "You're all insane!" He whirled around and stormed off in the opposite direction.

"What is going on in here?!" Germany demanded.

"Dammit, why the fuck does everything in my life always screw up?!" Romano howled, storming out of the room.

"...You aren't dead?" America asked, staring at Germany in disbelief.

"...No." Germany glanced at him, oddly.

Italy threw himself up and hurled himself at Germany. The blonde let out a cry of protest but Italy ignored him.

"Oh Germany," he moaned. "I'm so glad that you aren't dead or a go-go dancer!"

"I went to get changed," Germany snapped, struggling to get Italy off him. "Finland spilt some drink on me and - wait, what do you _mean_ a go-go dancer?!"

"Dude!" America exclaimed, turning away from the scene to face Japan. "We totally saved Germany's life!"

"Saved my life from what?" Germany demanded. "What's going on in here - why isn't the meeting happening?!"

Japan ignored Germany's furious yells and smiled at America. "I am amazing, aren't I?" he murmured, proudly.

"You totally are dude!" America agreed, bobbing his head up and down at a rapid pace. "And I'm totally heroic!"

"What -?" Germany sighed and rubbed his forehead; he could feel a headache coming on.

France walked over, dragging England behind him, and waved a bottle at Germany.

"Alcohol?"

Germany let out a loud sigh. "Yes please."


End file.
